Heather M.

heatherDOB: 12/13/70; San Francisco . . . things are a lot different for me now.

I mean, I don’t live on the streets, I don’t live in the gutter, I’m not worrying where my next meal is going to come from, or where my next hit’s going to come from.

Or who wants to kill me or who I have ripped off or what dealer I owe what amount of money.

Well, I was born, my sister was born a couple of years later, and then my brother was born a few years after that.

And I think I have always been definitely rebellious and self-willed, because my Mom used to tell me stories about when I was little, and one of my first memories with my Mom is eating a tube of toothpaste

because she wouldn’t give me food because dinner was in an hour and I wanted to show her that I was in charge and I was about two years old.

And my other memory before that was drinking a Bud with my Dad before I could even talk, and I loved it, so I kind of started a little bit early with alcohol. Mixed my first gin and tonic in first grade. Got in trouble for it.

Basically, growing up I led a really sheltered life, because my parents saw that I was pretty wild, and they didn’t like it.

They wanted a little Brady Bunch family. So they sheltered me for a long time, and sent me to private schools, and tried to make me do everything that I basically did.

And I went to these private schools that were really small, and I hated it because I was an angry kid and I was always wanting to fight and swearing and shit, and none of the other fourth graders could understand.

So I really — didn’t really fit in at all with those rich snobs. And I never liked them, I always liked the people that were hanging out, smoking cigarettes, and all that shit.

So I started doing that in about fifth grade and I didn’t do much drugs at all or much of anything up until eighth grade. And I started drinking. I did gymnastics for ten years because my parents . . . I liked it at first, but then it started becoming a thing that they wanted me to do, so I dropped out.

I went to high school and started smoking pot every day, doing some drugs, drinking every day because it made me feel good. And I liked the crowd. I did not like straight people. I thought they couldn’t handle life. They were in — not in reality. And so I hung out with the stoners.

And in about seventh grade I started like shaving my head and getting into like the punk scene, listening to Black Flag.

And my parents started freaking out so, because like the more control they put on me, the more I told them to fuck off.

And I started to do what I wanted more and more, and realized that they couldn’t really tell me what to do, because I was always afraid of getting into trouble.

So they sent me to Rehab one day because I was drinking a lot, doing drugs, and I didn’t like it, but I played the game while I was there so I could get out. And as soon as I got out I left home and a new job. Moved in with this guy — he was an asshole.

So I was living on the streets and in San Francisco and that’s where the speed scene is. I kind of liked it, I thought I was cool. I wanted to try it, so I decided to start shooting dope.

I was fifteen when I started shooting dope. And did it once, had a terrible experience. The guy wanted me to fucking get together with him for a hundred bucks. And that was the first time I ever got high and I didn’t do it and I was scared and I didn’t know what was going on.

So I left. But that was it. It was like the feeling of love. It was like complete, what’s the word? I was out of mind, out of my mind, ‘cause I didn’t have to trip on anything.

So I started doing that every day, panhandling a lot, stealing a lot, ripping people off, hanging out with people that I knew would get me high. Because what I wanted, that’s what I wanted, every cent I ever got went to drugs.

It never went to food, it never went to a hotel room. Just stay high. Unless I had a lot of cash — then I would get a hotel room so I could shoot dope all night and I didn’t have to go in to a bathroom or something.

But it sucked, because I would have to come down on the streets, outside, no place to go, no money in my pocket, no one who cared, and it really sucked. And then I decided to quit for a while because I was getting sick.

And I went to Seattle and tried heroin, but I didn’t like it — it was too down. So I came back for my speed. And about a week after I got back I OD’d, because this guy was trying to kill me.

Because every time he wanted to get my friend high, she’d always make him get me high too, because she didn’t want to by alone with him. And he got sick of it, so he did me up with a little over a gram of some stuff that hadn’t even hit the street yet. And I pretty much lost it.

And I had one of those out-of-body experiences where I was looking down at myself and my body, which I could not control, and it was kind of scary.

But I decided I had this choice up there, that I could never come back or that I could go back.

And I looked at my friend and I decided to go back, because she was my friend. So I did, and I swore from that day on I’d never shoot speed again.

And I did about two days later and got together with guy who we used to be tweek buddies with. We used to just shoot dope together. And then he started saying, “You want to be with me.” So I was with him, for a month, until he beat my ass pretty bad, fucked me up pretty bad.

So I left him and I went to San Raphael because I had friends there, and hung out there for a while, and then tried to get clean.

Couldn’t get clean. I didn’t really care about anything at all. I didn’t care about myself, my family, my friends, nothing mattered except for getting high.

I started to feel like I was on the edge, ‘cause I was about to go over, and I didn’t really want to.

I didn’t care, but I didn’t really want to do it myself. So I tried to get clean and I couldn’t. I tried to get clean for a long time, and I couldn’t.

And then I got busted for hit and run and they locked me up for three months and then sent me to Rehab for five. So I sort of, I mean did drugs when I was locked up, but I started feeling like, you know it, either die or fucking do something about this lifestyle.

Because it was getting real bad, and I knew I was going to die, ‘cause for one thing my boyfriend wanted to kill me because I left him, and he was looking for me until he went to the pen.

I didn’t want to live and shoot dope any more. I just wanted to get it all over with, and lose my mind, basically because it’s kind of hard to die on speed, unless you do . . . Well, it’s easier to lose your mind than it is to die, so I have found.

So, I don’t know, the Rehab, I just went in there with kind of an open mind, because I had already been in one, so I knew what it was going to be like. And didn’t really want to get clean, because it’s hard. But I did anyway, and things are a lot different for me now.

I mean, I don’t live on the streets, I don’t live in the gutter, I’m not worrying where my next meal is going to come from, or where my next hit’s going to come from. Or who wants to kill me or who I have ripped off or what dealer I owe what amount of money.

It’s not like that right now. And sometimes I can handle it, ‘cause that’s what I am used to.

But, you know, it feels pretty good that I have most of my mind left, and then I can think and basically function in society, well kind of.

But physically I feel really good. I mean physically I was in very bad shape. I felt like I was going to die. But anyway, I feel good physically.

I have a hard time getting close to people because I don’t trust people. Living on the streets you tend not to.

And it’s hard to let that go and realize you’re not there anymore. It’s really hard.

And that stops me a lot from feeling as good as I could, because I know what to do if I want to feel good clean, but it’s a matter of just getting past some of those walls that I have been building up for so long.

I haven’t gotten in a fight, a real bad one, for almost a year.

That is a fucking miracle. I used to fight every day practically, and I loved it, and I still love it. But I’ve got more thought around it today, before I do it, and which is nice.

Basically, I can’t believe I’m still alive. It’s just . . . It’s a miracle that I am here, because I should be dead, and I am not, and shit if I can get out of the streets and the tweek scene, then anyone can if they try or it they really want to.

Click Here for Addict Out of the Dark and into the Light



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