John B
It Was 20 Years Ago Today.
(written June 3, 2009)
It was 20 years ago today that I found myself with the larger portion of a quart of 100-proof vodka still unconsumed. Even though I had been drinking for over 24 hours, I had experienced a brief bit of pleasure for perhaps 45 minutes at most.
And this time somehow I knew that getting some pot or pills or white powder was still not going to get me where I wanted to be.
And somehow I knew that as long as alcohol and drugs remained a part of my life, I would never have any peace of mind, for although I had been sober more days than intoxicated over the prior two years, on those occasions when I did become intoxicated, I could never tell what would happen.
Only a couple of drunks before that, I had sped down 53 miles of interstate at speeds of over 100 mph, the better part of a 15-pack of Stroh’s on the seat beside me, a half finished quart of whiskey between my legs, and joints flowing freely from my pocket. The only reason for this insane excursion was that I felt like it.
How I didn’t get pulled over, let alone killing someone or myself, was either luck or the providence of a higher power. The drunk I was on on June 3, 1989, required my lying to my life and humiliating her before her family for me to pull off. But I had found that even the days I stayed sober, alcohol was still dominating my life through my thoughts. I spent more time thinking about drinking than actually drinking.
So I prayed—really prayed, with no bargaining, no preconditions, no thoughts other than that It—the addiction—was bigger than me, and I could never beat it on my own, no matter how or what I tried, and so my only hope was for God as I understood him to help me.
And I said, God, I know this isn’t much of a gift, but here I am. Do with me whatever Thou wilt.
And so I started going back to AA meetings, actually got a sponsor and actually worked the steps this time, and I prayed ceaselessly. I attended a meeting nearly every day for a year, and then very regularly for several years afterwards.
And I did whatever my sponsor said, without argument or discussion. And today I am sober, still married to the same woman, and the father of a beautiful 9-year-old girl. I hold down the best job I have ever had and am doing well.
I have embarked upon serious studies of metaphysics and was recently ordained a minister. I am, at the moment, working on discerning what the mission of my ministry is to be, and I continue working on a higher degree. Oh, there remain problems.
In fact, I have far more problems today than I did 20 years ago. I have health issues, my wife has more serious health issues, and my daughter is a real handful. My uninsured wife has nearly died twice in the past year, and so there is a stack of medical bills I doubt I will ever reach the bottom of.
But today I know that with the help of my Higher Power, so long as I remain in contact and remain sober, there is nothing that I cannot face, that will overwhelm me. I know that I still have this illness, and always will, and so I must remain ever vigilant.
I have deep gratitude to all the good people who helped me, to my wife and God for both giving me another chance, and even for the illness itself. For without this illness, I would not have had to learn to live life on a spiritual basis. So even if I were to take drunk tomorrow, I would still have had these 20 years of sobriety, in which I have cherished every day as a gift I did not deserve.
Let me finally note that I was a frank alcohol junkie. I would do just about any drug that came along, and preferably all of them that came along, but I was flatly physically addicted to alcohol for years.
I went through a 28-day treatment program and left it knowing I would never drink again. I lasted a week. I had a serious, ultimately terminal case of alcoholism. And so if I can recover, with the help of God, I know that anyone can. The most important part that falls on us is to get out of God’s way so He can do what He needs to do. Some people manage to quit drinking without a spiritual recovery; I am glad they have found a way to not drink, but I feel sad that they missed out on the greatest benefit of having this disease.
Thank you for reading this, as you have helped me to celebrate 20 years of sobriety. If you are still struggling with an addiction, I urge you to believe that recovery is really possible for anyone, even you. But I could never, ever have done it on my own.
It took the help of many nonprofessional and professional people, and of course God, to pull it off. And even now, after 20 years, I know that getting drunk would be the easiest thing in the world for me. All I need do is get lazy about my spiritual condition. So I know I could get drunk or high again; I do not know if I could recover again.